Have a Good Laugh

傳說
...........
在晚上
12 點整，
穿著黑色內衣，
站在鏡子前；
對著胸部猛打 30 下並且鬼叫，
你的胸部最後將會 ……

黑 青

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每次看妳穿絲襪的時候 ……
我的心中都會有一種無法言喻的感覺，
那就是 ……


蘿蔔還包保鮮膜咧 ！

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小明上完廁所回到教室跟老師說： 廁所有好多螞蟻，
老師忽然想用 ant 這個單字想測試小明：螞蟻怎麼說？
小明一臉茫然 ....... 說： 螞蟻牠 ………… 什麼也沒說 …

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醜男拿著 99 朵玫瑰獻給漂亮的女同事： 嫁給我吧！我愛妳！
女：算了吧！我對你沒感覺。
男：我那一點不好，我改。
女：你到底喜歡我哪點？ 我改

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有一天，一隻小蒼蠅跟牠的爸媽一起去吃午餐。
小蒼蠅：為什麼我們要吃屎 ？
蒼蠅媽媽：我的笨兒子， 吃飯時不要說那麼噁心的話。

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某天，小蛇很慌張的滑行到大蛇的旁邊說：大蛇哥！我們身上有沒有毒？
大蛇：小蛇你問這個幹嘛？
小蛇：因 ………………… . 因為 ............... 我剛剛咬到了自己的舌頭！



微笑 給你好心情 !!

SARDARGI JOKES....Enjoy !

Received this from Friend meant to be Shared, Cheers!


Boss: Where were you born?
Sardar: India ..
Boss: which part?
Sardar: What 'which part'? Whole body was born in India.


2 sardar were fixing a bomb in a car.
Sardar 1: What would you do if the bomb
explodes while fixing.
Sardar 2: Dont worry, I have one more.


Sardar: What is the name of your car?
Lady: I forgot the name, but is starts with 'T'.
Sardar: Oh, what a strange car, starts with Tea. All cars that I know start with petrol.


Sardar joined new job. 1st day he worked till late evening on the computer. Boss was happy and asked what you did till evening.
Sardar: Keyboard alphabets were not in order, so I made it alright.


Museum Administrator: That's a 500-year-old statue u've broken.
Sardar: Thanks God! I thought it was a new one.


At the scene of an accident a man was crying: O God! I have lost my hand, oh!
Sardar: Control yourself. Don't cry. See that man. He has lost his head. Is he crying?


Sardar: U cheated me.
Shopkeeper: No, I sold a good radio to u.
Sardar: Radio label shows Made in Japan but radio says this is 'All India Radio! '


NOW THE LAST TWO ULTIMATE:
In an interview, Interviewer: How does an electric motor run?
Sardar: Dhhuuuurrrrrrrrrr. .....
Inteviewer shouts: Stop it.
Sardar: Dhhuurrrr dhup dhup dhup...


Tourist: Whose skeleton is that?
Sardar: An old king's skeleton.
Tourist: Who's that smaller skeleton next to it?
Sardar: That was same king's skeleton when he was a child.

Serious, You Got To Read This (I couldn't stop laughing...)

Are You In For Spaghetti?

For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman. One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child. If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18..

She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write 'Spaghetti' on the back. He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin.

One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife. 'Honey,' she said, 'You received a very strange post card today.' 'Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later,' he said. The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.

On the card was written: 'Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Three with meatballs, two without.'

Send extra sauce ...

Funny Quotes

The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile way and you have their shoes.

Ability is what will get you to the top if the boss has no daughter.

If love is blind... Why is Lingerie so popular?

Who says nothing is impossible, I've been doing nothing for years.

Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance.

Sex In The Dark

There was this couple that had been married for 20 years.

Every time they made love the husband always insisted on putting out the light.

Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous.

She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit.

So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights.

She looked down...and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated pleasure device...a vibrator

Soft, wonderful and larger than a real one.

She went completely ballistic. ' You impotent bastard,' She screamed at him, 'How could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself !'

The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly: 'I'll explain the toy... you explain the kids.'

Live, Laugh and Love.

You Think You Have Seen Everything?

Check these out...

True Meaning of Job Positions

你懂这些名词的意思吗 ?

主 席 -主要工作是休息 .
总裁 -总是到处去裁员 .
老板 -老是板起脸孔 .
经理 -经常无所事事到处修理人 .
员工 -原来只有我在做工 !

Just Joking in Singapore Schools...

Teacher: Ah Kau, if your father has $10 and you ask him for $6, how much would your father still have?
Ah Kau: $10.
Teacher: You don't know Maths.
Ah Kau: You don't know my father la!

Mother: David, come here.
David: Yes, mum.
Mother: You really disappoint me. Your results are getting worse.
David: But but but....I will only get my report card tomorrow ???
Mother: I know that, but I'm going Hong Kong tomorrow so I'm scolding you now.

Father: Why did you fail your Mathematics Test?
Son: On Monday, teacher said 3 + 5 = 8
Father: So?
Son: On Tuesday, she said 4 + 4 = 8. On Wednesday, she said 6 + 2 = 8. If she can't make up her mind, how I know the right answer one ???

Girl: Do you love me?
Boy: Yes Dear.
Girl: Would you die for me?
Boy: No la, mine is undying love only !!!

Man: How old is your father?
Boy: Same as me la.
Man: How can that be?
Boy: He only became a father when I born lo !!!

Teacher: Simon, your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
Simon: No la, teacher. It's the same dog!

Father: Your teacher says she finds it impossible to teach you anything!
Son: That's why I tell you she's no good!

Teacher: Where were you born?
Student: Singapore , Sir.
Teacher: Which part?
Student: All of me ma....

A boy came home from school with his exam results.'What did you get?' asked his father.'My marks are under water,' said the boy.'What do you mean 'under water'?''They are all below 'C' (sea) level !'

Joke: Husband & Wife

Husband & Wife - Same Service

A husband visited a marriage counselor and said, "When we were first married, I would come home from the office, my wife would bring my slippers and our cute little dog would run around barking. Now after ten years it's all different, I come home, the dog brings the slippers and my wife runs around barking." "Why complain?" said the counselor. " You're still getting the same service !"


Husband & Wife - Why ?

" Dad, I was away for a week. Yesterday I sent a fax to my wife I'd be home that night, and when I got into my room I found my wife in another man's arms. " Why, Dad ? Tell me why!" Dad kept silent for a few minutes, then coolly said, " Maybe, Son, she didn't get the fax ."


Husband & Wife - Love To Do

A wife, one evening, drew her husband's attention to the couple next door and said, "Do you see that couple? How devoted they are? He kisses her every time they meet. Why don't you do that?" "I would love to." Replied the husband. " But I don't know her well enough ."


Husband & Wife - Problem Father

"You looked troubled," I told my friend, "what's your problem?" He replied, "I'm going to be a father." "But that's wonderful," I said. "What's wonderful? My wife doesn't know about it yet.

Nice Resume

This really gave me a good laugh - laugh off the blues -- the MONDAY blues ...

(Click to enlarge)

Joke of the Day

1. Losing all your friends

Man comes home and finds his wife with his friend in bed.

He shoots his friend and kills him.

Wife says "If you behave like this, you will lose ALL your friends."


2. Brother wanted

A small boy wrote to Santa Claus,"send me a brother"....

Santa wrote back, "SEND ME YOUR MOTHER"....


3. Meaning of WIFE

Husband asks, "Do you know the meaning of WIFE? It means 'Without Information Fighting Everytime'!"

Wife replies, "No, it means 'With Idiot For Ever'!!!"


4. Importance of a period

Teacher: "Do you know the importance of a period?"

Kid: "Yeah, once my sister said she has missed one, my mom fainted, dad got a heart attack & our driver ran away."


5. Confident vs. confidential

A young boy asks his Dad, "What is the difference between confident and confidential? "

Dad says, "You are my son, I'm confident about that. Your friend over there, is also my son, that's confidential! "


6. Anger management?

Husband: "When I get mad at you, you never fight back. How do you control your anger?"

Wife: "I clean the toilet."

Husband: "How does that help?"

Wife: "I use your toothbrush ."

Have A Break: A Very Funny HR Memo

To all Employees:

Effective January 2009

Dress Code
1. It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a pay raise.

2. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a pay raise.

3. If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a pay raise.

Sick Days
We will no longer accept a doctor's certificate as proof of sickness.
If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

Holiday Days
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday & Sunday.

Compassionate Leave
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements.
In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.

Toilet Use
1. Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the cubicles.

2. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the cubicle door will open, and your picture will be taken.

3. After your second offence, your picture will be posted on the company notice board under the "Chronic Offenders" category.

4. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sanctioned under the company's mental health policy.

Lunch Break
1. Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more so that they can look healthy.

2. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.

3. Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. Remember we are an employer of choice and we are here to provide a positive employment experience.

Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.


Management
Godzilla Power

Breaktime: Education by Pua Chu Kang

Chu Kang ( PCK ) explaining sex to Chu Beng's son, Aloysius

Aloy : Why is making love so enjoyable ?
PCK : Aiyah, ah boy, enjolable becaws, same like when you dig your nose with your finger mah !

Aloy : Do you think women enjoy sex more than men ?

PCK : Of course woman lah ! When you dig dig your nose, your nose feel better than your finger, right ?

Aloy : Why do women hate it when they get raped ?

PCK : Ai-yah ! Say, you walk along the load, den someone come over and dig your nose, you like or not ? Ehhh ? Don't pray pray ah !

Aloy : Why is it a woman cannot have sex when she is having her menses?

PCK : Oy !! If your nose bleeding, you still go and dig meh?? Siow ah ! Use your blain, use your blainnn ............

Aloy : Why is it most men don't like wearing condoms when they are making love ?

PCK : Ehhhh, when you dig your nose ah, you like to dig with a glove on your finger or not ? Not the same shiok feeling mah. Corlight or not?

Aloy : Why is making love carried out in private ?

PCK : Ah boyyyyy, use your blain, use your blainnnnn .............................. you go and dig your nose in flont of your whole class izit ?? Stupid lah!!

Aloy : Wah ...... Uncle Chu Kang, you are very good.

PCK : Aiyah ...... ," Best in Singapore , JB, some say Batam, and now, the whole world!" also ah!!!

Joke: Bruce Lee Only a Human

Very funny... enjoy...

(Click to enlarge)

Pictures You Can't Miss

Here's your giggle for the day! Enjoy...

Joke: 請假

~~ 絕對經典！！~~


當我向老板請假的時候，老板寫了這封信這樣回答我：
你想請一天假？看看你在向公司要求什麼？
一年裡有 365 天你可以工作。

一年 52 個星期，你已經每星期休息2 天，剩下261 天工作。

你每天有 16 小時不在工作，去掉 170 天，剩下 91 天。

每天你花 30 分鐘時間喝咖啡，加起來每年23 天，剩下 68 天。

每天午飯時間你花掉1 小時，又用掉46 天，還有 22 天。

通常你每年請2 天病假，這樣你的工作時間只有 20 天。

每年有5 個節假日，公司休息不上班，你只幹15 天。

每年公司還慷慨地給你14 天假期，算下來你就工作 1 天，

而你他媽的還要請這一天假？

我的回信內容：
你怎麼不說 ---


每天 8:30分上班，我 8:10 就要從家中出門
( 這段時間我為公司做事 , 但是 ........ 沒有給我錢 ) 。

每天17:30 下班，我要到 18:00 才會到家
( 這段時間我為公司做事, 但是 ...... 沒有給我錢) 。

公司規定不能隨便穿，要穿襯衫西裝庫皮鞋，偏偏我最討厭穿襯衫西裝褲皮鞋，這我要花自己的錢去買，公司也沒有給錢。

每天看電腦，對我的眼睛是一大傷害，我近視平均每年增加至少 100 度，將來的醫藥費還要自己付，為了工作傷害自己永久的健康，公司也不做這方面的補助。

每天用滑鼠鍵盤 ， 害的我肩膀酸痛的要死 ， 回去還要自己買沙龍趴思來貼 ， 這部份公司又不提供沙龍趴思， 又得我自己出錢 。

每次有案子，你一句話丟下來，我就要花盡心思，
怎麼打一份讓你交差的企劃書，隨時隨地走到哪裡
連半夜作夢都夢到，公司也沒給我加班費。


客戶不爽，打來公司對著我的耳朵狂吼，弄的我精神衰弱、
食慾不振，還要開夜車趕案子，開紿懷疑我會過勞死，
公司也沒給我錢和保險。

每天希望同事和客戶在工作上能夠配合，所以自己出去玩的時候，還要買個紀念品給同事和客戶以打好關係，這紀念品的錢還是要我自己出。

我不過多請一天假 ~


"你媽的還不讓我請這一天的假"

Sometimes It Pays To Be Old

You have to laugh at this...


No-one believes seniors . . . Everyone thinks they are senile.

An Elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighbourhood after they retired.

Holding hands they walked back to their old school.

It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they'd shared, where Andy had carved 'I love you, Sally.'

On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armoured car, practically landing at their feet Sally quickly picked it up, but not sure what to do with it, they took it home. There, she counted the money -- fifty thousand dollars.

Andy said, 'We've got to give it back.'

Sally said, 'Finders keepers.' She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.

The next day, two police men were canvassing the neighborhood looking for the money, and knocked on the door.

'Pardon me, but did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armoured car yesterday?'

Sally said, 'No.'

Andy said, 'She's lying. She hid it up in the attic.'

Sally said, 'Don't believe him, he's getting senile.'

The police turn to Andy and began to question him.

One says: 'Tell us the story from the beginning'

Andy said, 'Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday . '

The first policeman turns to his partner and says, 'We're outta here.'

Learn Yoga Effortlessly

Enjoy the yoga lesson ...

Pictures Taken At the Right Moments - Cheer Up Your Monday!

Really funny... enjoy!